


A 'Avengers' Abridged

by Go0se



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, No actual pies, WIP Amnesty 2014, but otherwise-
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 02:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go0se/pseuds/Go0se
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loud noises capslock! Poorly-edited character lines! Inanimate objects speaking! God-like beings! Aliens! Pies! (Disclaimer, no actual pies.)<br/>Or, everyone tries writing an '____ abridged' at least once. This was mine. (WIP Amnesty.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A 'Avengers' Abridged

**AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY THAT COULD REALLY BE ANYWHERE FOR ALL WE KNOW:**

**  
Spooky Voiceover:** The plot-point has awakened... it is on a little world, a  _ human  _ world, a  _ insignificant speck  _ of a world, a world with  _ bipedial sentient mammals as the so-called highest form of life.  _ They would use the plot point, but we'll use it first... our ally knows it's power as the insignificant bipedial mammals never will... He will lead, and our soldiers, our vilian name-drop, will  _ follow.  _ Total universe domination. And what can the mammals do but  _ die horribly! _

**  
<As the voiceover goes on: some aliens with bad oral hygiene; a scepter of some kind; a villain wearing green armour.>**

**  
**'Thor' fans: Oooh! Oooh! **  
Rest of Audience:** Shhh, it's starting.

 

 

**SUPER FANCY-IMPORTANT NASA/MILITARY/S.H.I.E.L.D. LAB FACILITY:**

 

**Helicopter:** Chuckachuckachuckachuckachucka  
**Repeated Guy-On-Megaphone Voiceover:** All personnel, proceed to the nearest oh-fuck-we're-all-gonna-die facility in a calm and orderly fashion! This is not a drill!

 

**Direction Fury:** So, how far up Shit River have we got us to this time?  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF:** That's the problem sir; this is the first time in my life I've said this, but I don't know.  
**Director Fury:** ...

**Elevator:** SHWOOOM.

**  
**Agent Coulson, BAMF: There was an energy surge four hours ago. No one was even in the room.  
 **Agent Aunt Robin:** The plot point just turned itself on?  
 **PreTeens In The Audience:** *snicker *  
 **Director Fury:** Coulson get all personnel out of here in less than half an hour and do it now.  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF:** I understand.  
 **Director Fury:** Agent Hill, go outside and get Phase Two onto the trucks.  
 **Agent Aunt Robin:** Sir is that really a priority with innocent lives at--  
 **Director Fury:** Unless today's the goddamn apocalypse we' re going to assume we'll all be alive tommorrow, so yes, it is the priority. Phase Two. In the trucks.  
**** Agent Aunt Robin:  ... whatever you say, sir, but shit is going to get real pretty fast after I leave.

 

**Director Fury:** Talk to me, doctor!  
 **Super-Scientist Erik Solvieg:** Director! It's the plot-point, sir, she's behaving badly.  
 **Director Fury:** Elaboorate..  
 **Super-Scientist Eric Solvieg:** She's... behaving.  
 **Director Fury:** You do understand that as the Tesseract is a inter-dimensional object without any sense of self it's incapable of having a gender identity and so can't be called 'she', don't you, doctor? And can't you turn it off?  
 **Super-Scientist Erik Solvieg:** I know a classy lady when I measure one's energy output algorithms, director. And she's literally her own energy source, you can't just shut  _ an energy source  _ down. Who even taught you science?  
 **Director Fury:** Where's Agent Barton?  
S **uper-Scientist Erik Solvieg:** The hawk? Up in his nest, as usual. What a clever line, I am so smart and poetic.

**Hawkeye:** *watches, preens feathers*  
 **Director Fury:** Agent! Get down here. We're going to walk and talk away from scientists' hearing.  
 **Hawkeye:** I came down on a rope because stairs are for amateurs. What is it you need to know, sir?  
 **Director Fury:** Do you have any idea what could make the Tesseract flip its shit all of a sudden?  
 **Hawkeye:** Nothing and no one from this side. But the thing's a doorway into space, right? And doors open both ways.  
**Director Fury:** ...

**  
**Tesseract: S hhhhhbzzzzzeeeeetkreeawkreeeaw  
**The Entire Facility:** *shakes*

**Everyone:** *freezes*  
** Tesseract: ** ShhhzzzZZZZZEEEEEEEEEWHUMPWHUMPWHUMPCRACK

** Director Fury:   ** ... m otherfucker.  
 **Audience:** Aww the obligatory reference, what a adorable joke.  


 

**< Super-fancy explosion of non-harmful blue fire/ interdimensional energy beam>  
**

** Loki:  ** *lands on one knee at the end of energy beam, space-smoke coming off his clothes, magic sceptre in hand, Evil Grin(TM) firmly in place, looking kinda crazy*  
 ** People In The Audience Who Find Tom Hiddleston Attractive:  ** *whistle*  
 ** Director Fury:  ** Sir! Please! Put down! The spear!  
 ** Loki: ** Well that's hardly likely. ENERGY BLAST!  
 ** Hawkeye:  ** Grab the superior officer and diveroll!  
 ** Guards:  ** BULLETS!  
 **Loki:** FLY AND STAB!  
 ** Guards:  ** MORE BULLETS!  
 **Loki:** THROWING KNIVES! ENERGY BLAST! ARM SLICE! ANOTHER ENERGY BLAST! SPINE-BREAKING HIGH KICK!  
  
 **Guards:** *are dead*  
 **Computers:** *are fried*  
 **Room:** *is trashed and quiet*  
**Everyone In The Room:** *either dead or on the floor*

 

** Hawkeye:  ** Shit, shit, bad guy is coming over, grab your gun and getupgetupget-- fuck he's got my arm.  
 **Loki:** You have heart; now hold still as I take over your feeble mind.  
 **Mind-Controlled Hawkeye, Now With Tesseract-Blue Eyes:** Yes, sir.  
 **Director Fury:** Oh, what the fuck. Better grab the plot-point and leave quietly while the hostile is busy mind-controlling some more of my agents--  
 **Loki:** Please don't. I still need that.  
 **Director Fury:** And who are you, the caped anti-crusader?  
 **Loki:** I am Loki, of Asgard. I will free your world from freedom. You are an ant and I am a boot--  
 **Director Fury:** Whatever we say bounces off us and sticks to you, sure, sure.  
 **Super-Scientist Erik Solvieg:** Wait, Loki? Brother of an obvious character name-drop!  
 **Loki:** As it happens, mortal, no, but thank you for waking up that nest of vipers again. Look, you can work your pitiful Midgardian magic with some capability, correct? I'll take over your feeble mind too.  
 **Mind-Controlled Super-Scientist Erik Solvieg, Now With Tesseract-Blue Eyes :** Yes, sir.  
 **Mind-Controlled Hawkeye:** Sir, this place is going to blow sky-high soon, the Tesseract is still activated. We should skip town.  
 **Loki:** Well then, shoot the director, grab the Tesseract and let's be gone.  
  
  
 **< One car/helicopter-chase shoot 'em up sequence later>**

  
**Super Fancy-Important Nasa/Military/S.H.I.E.L.D. Lab Facility:** *asplode *

 

**Agent Coulson, BAMF (via walkie-talkie):** Are you alive, Director? If you aren't just say nothing.  
 **Director Fury (on phone):** I am not dead, but there's a downed helicopter behind me and its pilot probably is, as well as a lot of other men, and there's a batshit crazy magic alien on the loose with the plot-point. Agent Hill?  
 **Agent Aunt Robin (also on cell):** I'm alive but under the rubble, there's a lot of men trapped too, not sure how many alive. And, sir, I'd just like to say that  __ I fucking told you.  
 ** Director Fury:  ** I concede that point, Agent. Have everyone who isn't on search for survivors out looking for the crazy bastard in a green cape and the briefcase he's carrying.  
 ** Agent Aunt Robin:  ** Roger that.  
 **Director Fury:** Coulson, get back to base. As of right now we're at war.  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF (via walkie-talkie):** Sir, it's the first time in my life I've said this, but what do we do?  
**Director Fury:** I'm calling in the planet's rescue squad.

 

**DRAMATIC TITLE SCREEN MUSIC!**

**~*MARVEL'S THE AVENGERS*~:  
(GOOSE'S ABRIDGED)**

 

 

**INSIDE A WAREHOUSE, SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO TRAIN TRACKS, WHERE THEY HAVE THICK ACCENTS THAT MAY BE RUSSIAN OR SOMETHING**

 

**Middle-Aged Douchebag In A Uniform:** In Soviet Russia, professional spies are spied upon! And caught! And tied to chairs! Haha!  
 **Black Widow:** *makes little girl please-don't-hurt-me eyes and noises*  
 ** Younger Douchebags In Black Tuxes:  ** *smirk in unison behind their indoor sunglasses* ****   
**Middle-Aged Douchebag In A Uniform:** The famous character name-drop, just another pretty face. I am going to keep monologuing, and threatening to pull your teeth out with these set of rusty pliers I have just picked up instead of actually doing it, partly because this is supposed to be a kid-friendly film and partly because we have you so incredibly trapped there is no possible way that anyone could--

**Cell Phone:** *rings*  
 **Middle-Aged Douchebag In A Uniform:** Ja?  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF (via cell phone):** We know where you live and what all of you did last summer. Give the lady the phone before we roast you like marshmallows. **  
**Middle-Aged Douchebag In A Uniform: ...  
Middle-Aged Douchebag In A Uniform:  *gives the lady the phone*

**Black Widow (into cell phone):** Are you serious? These idiots were just in the middle of spilling all their slimy guts to me.  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF (via cell phone):** Agent Barton's been compromised.  
**Black Widow (into cell phone):** ... give me two minutes.

 

< **One and a half minutes of chair-breakingly, bad guy-incapacitatingly awesome action later** >

 

**Black Widow (into cell phone):** So what the fuck is going on, exactly?  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF (via cell phone):** There's been a huge breach down in the top-secret lab. Someone pulled the wrong lever and this crazy alien guy came through the Tesseract's portal and started blowing shit up and taking over people's minds. We're pulling everyone in. You get the big guy.  
 **Black Widow (into cell phone):** Character name-drop? Him and I don't get along too well.  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF (via cell phone):** No, I'm going to be the one talking to Stark. You get  _ the big guy _ .  
**Black Widow (into cell phone):** ... son of a bitch.

 

**OUTSIDE, NIGHT; IN CALCUTTA, WHICH WE KNOW BECAUSE OF THE EASTERN BACKGROUND MUSIC. ALSO THE STREET CARAVANS.**

**  
**Camera: *follows behind little distressed-looking Indian girl who's running through the streets of the city, narrowly avoiding goats and fruit carts*  
 **Little Girl:** *runs up narrow set of stairs into a tiny landing apartment*  
 **Little Girl (in English):** I came to find a doctor! My parents are sick!  
 **Doctor-Type Dude:** Sick? Like these people?  
 **People In The Audience Who Find Mark Ruffalo Attractive:** Eeee!  
 **Little Girl:** *puppy eyes, holds out clutched handful of money* Please. **  
**Fandom: That is it, we are hugging this girl and loving her and naming her Shanta.  
 ** **Doctor-Type Dude**** : Alright. I'm not going to ask anymore questions, because that would be silly; lead the way.

 

**CONT'D, OUTSKIRTS OF CALCUTTA**

 

**Camera:** *follows little girl and tanned-but-probably-white dude across a small field, past some people huddled around a bonfire, then inside a wooden house that the little girl runs through and climbs out a ground-level window*  
 **Fandom:** Aww, what an adorable scamp! What a resourceful little kid!  
****Doctor-Type Dude** : ** Goddamn shit, tricked again.

**  
**Black Widow (looming from the shadows): Mister Banner. We've been expecting you.  
 **Doctor Banner:** It's “doctor”, actually. And who are you? Are you here to kill me? I assume the place is surrounded. What do you want me for?  
 **Black Widow:** I'm from SHEILD; my name is Natasha Romanov. There is also other people who'd be helping, b ut right now, it's just us here. All we need you to do is help find this plot-point. It's called the Tesseract.  
 **Doctor Banner:** Nice to have these things over quickly. *rolls for INTIMIDATE*  
 **Black Widow:** *sticks a loaded gun in Banner's face* Failed roll!  
 **Doctor Banner:** I'm sorry, that was mean.  
**Assembled SWAT Team outside the house:** *stands down*

**Black Widow:** You're a crazy monster and I don't trust you, but the people I work for have reason to believe that you don't like being a crazy monster and you trust yourself even less. Are you coming with us or not?  
**Doctor Banner: ...** *sigh*

 

 

**INT. SMALL DARK ROOM W/ HUGE MONITORS, EACH SHOWING A DRAMATICALLY LIT TALKING HEAD**

 

**Talking TV Head #2:** This has gone too far---  
 **Director Fury:** Nope.  
 **Talking TV Heads: ...  
Director Fury: ** Good. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go recruit me a super soldier.

 

 

**INT. OLD-SCHOOL GYM, COMPLETE W/ OLD-SCHOOL PUNCHING BAGS  
**

**Camera:** *Closes in on only person in the gym-- a tall, well-muscled blonde-haired white dude who's punching the crap out of a punching bag and happens to be wearing a very form-fitting shirt and pair of pants; especially the pants*  
 **People In The Audience Who Find Chris Evans Attractive:** ... ooh.  
 **Flashbacks:** *briefly summarize  _ 'Captain America: The First Avenger' _ *  
 **Captain America:** *punches the bag so hard it both bursts a seam and flies across the room * *breathes heavily and then sighs in a manly way *  
**Your Seventh Grade English Teacher:** What the film is telling us here is that this character is a man of action more than words.

**  
**Director Fury (crashing the party): Trouble sleeping?  
 **Captain America: ...** if I knew a way to respectfully tell you to fuck off, sir, I'd be saying it to you right now.  
 **Director Fury:** This is a folder outlining the organization's most recent fuck-up. It contains information on a plot-point that you've dealt with before. The Tesseract.  
 **Captain America:** Hydra's secret weapon.  
 **Director Fury:** 'Secret' may be a bit of an overstatement at this point, but yes. Your old friend Stark fished it out of the ocean when he was looking for you; it may be the key to technobabble bladiblah. I don't think I have to explain why that would be very appreciated by everyone on the entire planet.  
**Captain America: ...** *sigh*

 

 

**EXT.(?),, SPEAKING OF THE OCEAN:**

 

**Deep Water:** *bubbles *  
 **Iron Man:** *does some kind of thing with some kind of pipe, his palm-blasters, a different pipe, and a glowy thing, then sky-rockets out of the water into the Manhattan skyline *  
 **Science Nerd In The Audience:** But-- but--- pressure changes! That would've killed him!  
 **Iron Man:** Okay, I just did science, the rest is up to you.  
**Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:** We're off the grid? 

**Iron Man:** STARK tower is about to become a beacon of clean energy and exposition.  
 **Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:** Exposition?  
**Iron Man:** Affirmative exposition. Okay, light her up.

 

**STARK Tower:** LIGHT-BRIGHT! PLAYING WITH LII-I-IGHTS!  
 **Goose:** Wait, do people still get that reference? Am I old now? Whatever, leaving it in.  
 **Iron Man:** Fuck yeah, I'm a genius.  
 **Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:** Genius enough to have  _ not done any awareness-raising?  _ How are you even in charge of this company.   
**Iron Man:** Ruining the moment, Potts!

**Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:** Well get in here and we'll have a non-ruined moment. Naked. Sexually.  
**Iron Man:** That is the third best idea I've heard all day. And the first two were mine, so that's saying something. I'll be right in.

  
**Landing Platform: *** dismantles Iron Suit while Tony Stark is walking*

**JARVIS:** Sir, Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. is on the line.  
 **Tony Stark:** Grow a spine, you artificial intelligence construct. I have a beautiful and brilliant lady to have sex with here.  
 **JARVIS:** Isn't this meant to be something of a family-friendly film, sir?  
 **Ms. Pepper Potts:** Oh you can imply sex on a family-friendly film, you just can't outright show it. Or be explicit about it. And, technically, none of our remarks cross the line yet  
 **JARVIS:** Sir, I'm afraid my protocols are being overwritten.  
 **Tony Stark:** Seriously? Whatever. *answers phone* You've reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark.  
**Fandom:** That is  _ such  _ a fix-it fic plotline!

**Elevator:** _ Ding! _

 

**Agent Coulson, BAMF:** *hangs up cell phone* I am getting real tired of your bullshit, Mr. Stark.  
 **Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:** Phil! Come in.  
**Tony Stark:** Uh, b wah?

** Agent Coulson, BAMF:  ** We need you to look this over.  
 ** Briefcase:  ** *is handed *  
 ** Tony Stark:  ** Eesh. I, uh, have a fairly realistic anxious reaction to being handed things--  
 ** Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:  ** Let's trade!  
 ** Tony Stark: ...  ** hmph.  
 ** Ms. Pepper Potts, BAMF:  ** This isn't about the title name-drop, is it? I mean, not that I know anything about that. Or anything.  
 ** Briefcase:  ** * is actually fancy clippable laptop*  
 ** Tony Stark:  ** That initiative was scrapped, I happen to know.  
 ** Agent Coulson, BAMF:  ** It has been remade.  
 ** Laptop Screen Hooked Up To Flebtonium-Interface:  ** _ Sweee _   
** Tony Stark: . ** .. Huh.  
 ** Miss Pepper Pots, BAMF:  ** What is it? ****  
Impressive Screen Display Of Various Super-Beings/Anti-Heros/Gods/Wreckage Of Cities:  Homework. Definitely homework.  
 **Miss Pepper Pots, BAMF: ...** the naked sexiness will have to wait, then.  
**Tony StarK:** ... hm.

 

 

**EXT. SUPER-SEXY WIDE SHOT OVER OCEAN**

 

 **Super-Sexy Fighter Jet:** _Schhhhwooom_!  
 **Captain America aka Steve Rogers:** So this Doctor 'Banner' was trying to re-create my super-power serum? It doesn't seem to have gone his way. I feel like I need to brood handsomely a little. The world has changed a lot. Am I still needed? Do I still understand what needs to be done? Can I be the hero my beloved country needs?  
 **Agent Coulson, BAMF:** I am your biggest fan and I watched you in your sleep.  
 **Captain America aka Steve Rogers:**...

  
  


**INT. CREEPY BRICK HALLWAY, POSSIBLY UNDERGROUND**

 

 **Soldiers of Indeterminate Nationality Or Alignment:** *stompyclompclomp*  
 **Complicated-Looking Science Paraphernalia:** *looms impressively*  
 **Mind-Controlled Super-Scientist Erik Solvieg:** I can see clearly now that the rain has gone!  
 **Technbabble Levels:** Rising.  


 

 

\--

 

[Further on!]

 

**INT. SUPER-SPECIAL-AWESOME FIGHTER JET, SOMEWHERE OVER EUROPE**

 

**Captain America:** I don't know, guys, he's way too quiet back there, maybe he's planning something that has to do with him needing us to bring him somewhere important--  
 **Iron Man:** Don't be silly, Capsicle.  
 **Captain America:** *unimpressed*  
 **Air Outside Plane:** *stormy noises *  
 **Black Widow:** The fuck is all these clouds coming from?  
 **Loki:** __ Bollocks.  
 **Captain America:** What, scared of a little lightning?  
**Loki:** No, just fratricide.

  
-CRASHY BOOM NOISE-

 **  
Plane:** Who the fuck is this dude in the armour on my back?!

**Iron Man:** Clearly the intelligent thing to do is open the pod bay doors and take a visual look!  
  
 **Thor:** *stomps in the open doors*  **  
**Loki: * ~gaze*  
 **Thor: *~** gaze*  
**Both** : *leap/are pulled out of airlock*

**Black Widow:** Another Asgardian?!  
 **Iron Man:** Oh no he did NOT!  
 **Captain America:** Stark, we need a plan of attack!  
**Iron Man:** LEEEEROOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIIIINS!

 

**CONT'D, RANDOM HILLSIDE SOMEWHERE OVER EUROPE.**

 

**Thor:** *lands on his feet and strides forward, tossing Loki to the ground*  
 **Science Nerd In The Audience:** How did that not shatter his legs?  
 **Thor:** WHERE IS THE PLOT POI-- TESSERACT?!  
 **Loki:** I missed you too! Are you going to chuck me off a celestial bridge again?   
** Thor:  ** WHAT THE  _ HELL,  _ MAN.  
 ** Loki:  ** Taking over Midgard!  
 ** Thor:  ** SEEING THROUGH YOUR BULLSHIT!  
 ** Loki:  ** Deep-seated rejection issues!  
 ** Thor:  ** STILL SEEING THROUGH YOUR BULLSHIT!  
 ** Loki:  ** Humans are insects and idiots and freedom is an illusion and Odin never loved me and you are a  _ naive cretin _ ! I will be a king!  
 ** Thor:  ** For the love of-- LOKI, YOU CAN BE A GREAT BIG BAG OF DICKS, BUT YOU ARE MY BROTHER AND I LOVE YOU. DROP THE MEGLOMANIAC BULLSHIT. GIVE UP THE TESSERACT. COME  __ HOME.  
 ** Loki:  ** *is momentarily unable to speak*  
 ** Loki Fanperson's In The Audience:  ** *fall over*  
** Loki:  ** I am going to tell you a straight-up lie now, and because I know you and your emotions I know that is going to work.

** Thor:  ** Oh, you son of--- *summons Super Ultra Hammer* LISTEN WELL, BROTHER. I--  
  
->A CHALLENGER APPEARS!  
\-->THOR was TACKLED by IRON MAN!  
It was VERY EFFECTIVE!  
  
 ** Loki:  ** I'm listening?  
** That Line:  ** *is still funny*

  
  


**CONT'D, RANDOM FOREST CLEARING, SOMEWHERE IN EUROPE**

 

**Thor:** YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME, METAL MAN?  
 **Iron Man:** Hell yes! Stop stealing our hostages, get your own!  
 **Thor:** MAYBE YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND IF I  __ THROW YOU THROUGH TREES AND THEN ELECTROCUTE YOU.  
 **Iron Suit:** *operates at 400% capacity*  
 **Thor:** I AM ONLY GETTING ANGRIER!  
 **Captain America:** *parachutes down from plane* Look, stop this! You are  __ both  pretty!  
 **Thor:** RAAAAAAAAGGHH!  
**Captain America:** Oh, for the love of apple pie--

 

\---> CPTN. AMERICA'S SHIELD uses DEFLECT against MJOLNIR's SMASH, and FLATTEN against ALL NEARBY TREES!  
\--->It is VERY EFFECTIVE!

 

 **Thor: ...** I can respect that.  
 **Captain America:** Good. Now, let's get back to taking the villain to our top-secret base of operations where surely nothing untoward could happen as a result of him being there.  
 **The Crickets In The Theatre That Usually Follow Such An Irony: *** are out for a drink break*  
  
  
//

**Author's Note:**

> -  
> And that's it, that's all I've got. Why am I even putting this up? We just don't know.  
> I feel slightly better having this out of my heart. Thank you, wip_amnesty.


End file.
